Half Time 2009

Well half the year is gone and it seems like yesterday that we were celebrating the Christmas holidays. The economy went down the shitter, thousands of people have lost their jobs and homes but hopefully have not lost hope. The longer I am on this planet the more Iam convinced that I probably came from another galaxy. Unfortunately I do not possess super powers that other space travellers seem to possess, well in the movies anyway.

What would I do if indeed I did have super powers, would I use these powers wisely? Well not being the patient type especially with what I call Natural Born Assholes. Hmm!  where would I start? Probably close to home as there is no shortage of the aforementioned around here. Well I’m off to the city hall good place as any to start. I would not fly or leap at a single bound but rather drive which will feed my desire to perform a radical circumcision on the traffic department who has in it’s employ some mental midget with the IQ of a termite who has set up the traffic lights to vary their signal so that no one knows what’s up next. Do I have an advance green? Not this time maybe the next time just like it was the time before I stopped at the light. So I’m sitting at the light with three cars behind me and I know that because there was no advance green that I will probably sneak through on the orange and the now five cars behind me will can only hope that they will get the advance green. So now as I head to the city hall my curiosity is peaking and wondering who’s idiot brother in law has received this nepotistic job appointment. So I get to the hall and ask to speak to the idiot brother in law who then proceeds to tell me that this is scientifically controlled based on statistics they receive from sensors on the traffic lights. “Bullshit” I say and with the super powers that I received when I landed on earth I grab him by the crotch and fly him to the same light only to see that the five cars that were there are now less the two that snuck though on the last orange light are now eight, proceed to tie this dimwit to the light standard  and make available over ripe fruit for the masses to pelt him with their dissatisfaction. Hopefully a lesson learned. Keep it simple!

Well after this I head to the LCBO ( Liquor store) to purchase a well deserved adult beverage, after all this super hero stuff raises quite a thirst. Hey, apparently they are threatening to go on strike. They need more money, benefits guarantees, etc. Well their friggin clerks making three times the money that retail clerks normally make. They stack shelves and as long as they remember to put the label facing towards the customer they have done a good job. Even if they fuck up you can’t fire the twit. Their union which has got the government to cow tow to their demands will threaten to close down or walk off if the twit is censored. Fire the twit, get somebody who has an IQ of over 50 in his or her place. But hey the government is making billions on booze sales, which they tax to the hilt, so they tolerate this. Well screw the government! I proceed to use my super powers to as right after I make my purchase I use my heat ray to reset  all the interact machines so that all purchases that are made at that store are credited to the buyers account. Maybe I should of bought more, oh well.

As I soar over the city of Toronto I am disturbed by the odour that is emanating from garbage that has not been picked up in over a week because workers have again walked out over a benefit that makes no sense but was given to them by a spineless administration and fostered by a mayor who would make an ideal poster boy for The Society of Perpetual Stupidity who set up a program to deposit garbage in city parks where children are supposed to recreate and people go to to relieve the stress of daily life. My first instinct was to gather all this garbage and deposit it in the yards of the union leaders, the city councillors and they mayor’s yards to see how fast they would come to an agreement. Oh no that’s too good for these morons. I decide  gather all the garbage from all the parks and deposit it in the Rogers Center and throw all these idiots in their and make sure the dome is closed and the AC is off. Kind of a crock pot for crackpots. What do you think would they survive a day?  It would really be nice to see them on close circuit TV, bet you the ESPN would grab this in a heartbeat. Even if the settled in a day I’d leave them there for a month. Willing to wager it would be a long time before the next strike. Hey they would not starve to death, plenty of leftovers. Oh yeah I’d get that reptilian ex school teacher who poses as the Premier of Ontario added to the stew. See how we are moving up the evolutionary government incompetency scale, first the city incompetents, then the provincial incompetents and what else the federal government.

Here’s a hint to the Prime Minister. “Get our troops out of Afghanistan” or at least volunteer your children to serve. They are getting older, but that won’t happen will it. 

So how to use my super powers to right the injustices committed by the feds. Well cruising over the Rideau canal I spot the Parliament buildings and land on the front lawn. The first thing I do is enter the senate chambers and install an alarm that goes off every three minutes with a resounding boom. They can go home to sleep and do nothing. Let’s convert the space they occupy to a homeless shelter. After the old senate arts vacated the senate, I would saunter over to the House of Commons which is aptly named as they all have something in common, most have been convicted of something illegal from DUI to hiring prostitutes. I would remove the Speaker of the house and tell him that he is fired, no particular reason, I felt like it. I guess the atmosphere in there effects all who enter. Assuming the speakers chair I would get the proceedings off and running with the business of the day which is doing what they were elected to do, run the country. Oh yeah new rules! The first asshole who iinterupts anyone who is speaking with even a whimper I would decend from my chair and personnaly grab his head and insert it in his asshole then return them to their seat. No favourites here as I don’t give a rat’s ass which side your on. You are a Canadian and as a Canadian elected official you will act like a grownup and if you don’t your head is up your ass. Oh yeah, the house is no longer having a summer recess. Two weeks holidays just like everyone else. After five years, three weeks, which by the way you can only take as two and one or one three times during the year. All expenses will now have to be approved by the new speaker of the house. No limos, drive or walk just like everyone else. The goverment cafeteria is out of bounds and will be used the homeless who now live where the senators use to doze. Personnal assistants, a thing of the past, your working full time now dude!   Oh yeah no review every election as I’d fire you sorry ass as soon you fuck up. Miss one deadline and your history, and if you don’t show up you better have one hell of a doctor’s note.

I’m thinking that things would start to get done and while we may not live happily ever after, it’s a start.